Ever since my marriage problems and having saved my marriage because of Mort Fertel and his Marriage Fitness program, I’m very quick to pick up hints when other people are having trouble in their marriage.
The actual problems marriage’s experience can be vast and vary so much it would take me hours upon hours just to write about them but there is one common theme I see and hear typically when speaking with people about their issues.
More often than not, one spouse or the other is always blaming the other one for their marriage problems. Typically this goes something like this…
“If only she would do this…I would then do this”
Basically what I hear them saying is… they want their spouse to change first before they start taking the appropriate steps to fix the marriage.
Let me tell you, according to Mort Fertel and me now that I’ve experienced it, this is completely wrong.
If you want to fix your marriage problems, YOU personally need to step up and take 100% responsibility for doing it. Perhaps you like almost everyone else (myself included before I was enlightened) think your marriage is a 50-50 relationship where your spouse is half responsible for creating a healthy marriage.
Well…let me break it to you. You’re wrong!
If you want to save your marriage, you need to take 100% of the responsibility. This can be very difficult but it’s also very rewarding once your marriage is repaired. Simply put, don’t ever think the only way you’ll have a healthy marriage is if both you and your spouse are working at it equally.
In a perfect world this would be ideal but it doesn’t always start like that. Especially if you’re in the middle of trying to save your marriage. You see, when I was trying to stop my divorce, I was the only one doing anything to make it happen. My wife at the time wanted nothing to do with me. In fact, I was a pure bother to her. I’m not mad at her though. It was the natural state of our marriage at the time.
She was more interested in her other life outside our marriage. She was no longer in love with me. In fact, I doubt she even loved me then. At best, I was a good father in her eyes and a decent roommate to have and an awesome babysitter because she was out and about gallivanting around with her new friends while I stayed at home to take care of our children.
It was a very crappy time for me and I was trying desperately to figure out how I can save my marriage. It’s probably right around this time I read in Mort Fertel Marriage Fitness that if you want to save your marriage you need to take 100% responsibility for it.
Unfortunately prior to this, I was probably half-assed in my effort because I was hoping my wife would reciprocate some type of effort to save our marriage. But it never happened. She just didn’t care and wasn’t interested in doing so. As such, I had to come up with a different mind-set because I was going absolutely crazy waiting for her to put some effort into saving our marriage.
Finally I said to myself…”OK Mort Fertel, you better know what you’re talking about” and jumped all in.
Moving forward I started doing all the things necessary to try and save our marriage. These included:
- Calling my wife randomly during the day (talk charges);
- Trying to touch her ever so slightly to try and connect with her physically (touch charges)
- Setting up events where we could hang out as a family;
- Setting up a meeting with just the 2 of us;
- Leaving her a note around the home to tell her how much she means to us;
- Saying sincere things to her about how good of a mother she is;
- Complimenting her on how well she maintained our home and several more!
Now pay attention here. These were all sincere thoughts I truly believed. You don’t ever want to manipulate the situation or say something you don’t believe because your spouse will see right through it.
Regardless of what you’re saying or what effort you’re making to save your marriage, this post is designed to reiterate one very important thing to you.
If you plan to save your marriage and stop your divorce, stop thinking your marriage is a 50-50 relationship. It’s not! If you want to have an amazing marriage, get comfortable with the idea that it will take 100% effort from you and more often than not, you will be the ONLY one putting in the effort.
Now, if you’re lucky like I was after going through Mort Fertel’s Marriage Fitness program, you’ll soon discover that your spouse is back and now they’re starting to put effort back into maintaining a healthy marriage. When that happens… things become amazing but don’t ever think you can stop. You have to maintain and keep watering your marriage on a daily basis. It’ll be the best thing you ever do!